July 26, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
SERVICE SCHEDULED FOR JIM ROACH AND HIS OBITUARY
Please forward only beloved photographs via email to Kevin and/or Jack Roach at <firstname.lastname@example.org> or <email@example.com> to be included in a visual presentation. We ask that submissions be sent prior to July 28th.
Due to time restrictions of the event, we are limiting the number of spoken tributes. We are therefore asking that you submit your stories and memories in written format to Julie Jones at <firstname.lastname@example.org> for inclusion in a book that will be displayed for guests. Please submit prior to July 28th.
Jim’s obituary as it appeared in yesterday’s Mercury News…
James Patrick Roach
November 28, 1948 – July 16, 2018
Jim Roach passed away of a sudden heart attack at his home in Grass Valley at the age of 69.
Jim’s personality can be defined as caring, loving, sturdy, but also goofy and fun. He lived a full life, always lending his assistance with a smile wider than a river (or a pair of handcuffs). He was an incredible dad and very active in all of his children’s activities, especially the Boy Scouts.
After he graduated with a master’s degree from San Jose State, he became a San Jose Police officer. During that time, he was married and raised two wonderful sons. When he retired as Sergeant after thirty years of service, he found his second passion when he moved to his “happiest place on earth” — twenty acres in Grass Valley, where he married his high school sweetheart, Marty, after rekindling their relationship at a high school reunion in 2000.
He is survived by his wife, Marty; sons, Jack and Kevin; brother, Jerry (Yvonne); sister, Judy Roach; loving extended family, and an infinite number of friends.
In lieu of flowers, the family is requesting that donations be made to a charity of one’s choosing.
“May the great master of all scouts be with you until we meet again…”
Nothing new to report
While this item from yesterday’s paper doesn’t address our Police and Fire Retirement Plan, it should serve as a reminder that government pensions in California are still a major concern and being watched closely. And remember, all California taxpayers will feel the crunch if the politicos find a way to raise taxes to reduce the state’s unfunded liabilities.
Pension Fund Earnings Up But Crushing Debts Remain
By Dan Walters — CALmatters Columnist
Mercury News — July 25, 2018
California’s two immense public employee pension funds this month reported investment earnings higher than their assumed rate for the second straight year.
The California Public Employees Retirement System(CalPERS) said its investment portfolio earned 8.6 percent during the year that ended June 30, while the California State Teachers Retirement System (CalSTRS) topped that with an 8.96 percent gain.
That’s certainly better than the minuscule earnings the two funds had seen earlier in the decade, but despite public crowing by union advocates, the earnings reports merely underscore the wide gaps between pension promises and assets to pay for them.
For one thing, making money on investments in the past year has been a no-brainer and relative to the stock market and other indices, the performance of both funds was modest.
That’s because both were burned badly in the recession a decade ago when their speculative investments tanked and since then, both have adopted safer and more stable investment strategies that have limited upside potential.
Safer may be better in the long run, but modest earnings, by themselves, cannot cover the funds’ asset shortages, called “unfunded liabilities.” Both have scarcely two-thirds of the assets they would need to cover pension commitments, even assuming they meet their earnings projections of 7 to 7.5 percent a year.
Expect to see dozens of cities and other local governments
asking voters for tax increases in November, and more school
officials pleading with Brown and legislators for more money.
CalSTRS’ chief investment officer, Christopher Ailman, put it this way in a statement that accompanied its earnings report: “We will rank high compared to similar funds, but it is only one year. We need to repeat that performance year in and year out, on average, over the next 30 years.”
As they lower investment expectations, CalPERS and CalSTRS have turned to the state and other public employers to close their asset gaps, requiring them to raise their “contributions” by billions of dollars.
CalPERS is increasing its bite on employers on its own, as it is empowered to do, while the Legislature and Gov. Jerry Brown adopted a plan to prevent CalSTRS from slipping into insolvency by increasing payments from the state and teachers modestly while hitting school districts hard, more than doubling their mandatory payments into the fund.
Making the increased payments has caused financial turmoil in local governments, especially cities, and in school districts.
As CalSTRS was reporting its 2017-18 earnings, CALmatters published a deep dive into how pension payments are clobbering the state’s school systems, focusing on those in Los Angeles, Fremont and Sacramento.
“Over the next three years, schools may need to use well over half of all the new money they’re projected to receive to cover their growing pension obligations,” CALmatters’ Jessica Calefati wrote, “leaving little extra for classrooms, state Department of Finance and Legislative Analyst’s Office estimates show.”
“Some districts are predicting deficits and many districts are bracing for what’s to come by cutting programs, reducing staff or drawing down their reserves — even though per-pupil funding is at its highest level in three decades and voters recently extended a tax hike on the rich to help pay for schools,” she continued.
Schools and local governments are feeling immense stress from ever-rising pension payments even though California’s economy has been booming and tax revenues have been surpassing projections. That’s why we’ll see dozens of cities and other local governments asking their voters for tax increases in November, and why school officials are pleading with Brown and legislators for more money.
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
Trouble Continues to Mount for Auditor
—Police, City Council denounce watchdog’s attendance at rally—
By Mark Gomez <email@example.com>
Mercury News — July 221, 2018
SAN JOSE — San Jose’s civilian police watchdog continued to absorb a torrent of criticism from the officer rank-and-file he is tasked with keeping an eye on, with the mayor joining the latest chorus of calls questioning his impartiality. The police officers’ union doubled down Friday on a campaign against Independent Police Auditor Aaron Zisser, saying he should resign immediately because he attended an “antipolice rally” earlier this month where officers were “threatened.”
Councilman Raul Peralez voiced his concerns, not entirely surprising since he’s a former police officer. Friday afternoon, Mayor Sam Liccardo, in a statement released by his office, also expressed concerns about Zisser’s conduct.
“An IPA’s most valuable asset is her or his credibility. That credibility depends on impartiality — both in appearance and fact — and I am concerned that Mr. Zisser’s recurring questionable judgment undermines that,” Liccardo said.
The police auditor is hired by the City Council and a move to fire him would require the support of 10 out of the 11 council members.
Zisser said the police union’s depiction of his brief attendance at a rally seeking justice for an 18-year-old San Jose man killed outside his home by police in 2016 is unfair and inaccurate. Zisser said he met with the group before they started their march and rally in an effort to “let them know I’m hearing their message.”
On July 7, relatives and other community members gathered to protest the fatal police shooting in 2016 of Anthony Nunez, an 18-year-old man who prosecutors determined was suicidal and pointed a gun at officers before being shot. The Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office determined the officers were justified in using lethal force.
The group marched to the San Jose Police Department, where they gathered outside the building and called for justice. At one point, Nunez’s mother singled out the two officers involved in the shooting and said, “we’re coming for you. You murdered Anthony Nunez in front of his home.”
At a news conference Friday, the union provided members of the media a photograph showing Zisser with a handful of people standing behind a banner which read: “Justice for Anthony Nunez.” Earlier this month, the civil-rights group Silicon Valley De-Bug posted video of the rally outside the police department on its Twitter page.
Click HERE to view the press conference.
“We are here today to condemn an individual, not the office,” said Paul Kelly, president San Jose Police Officers’ Association. “Aaron Zisser is soiling the reputation of a city institution time and time again by exhibiting poor judgment, misleading the public and city officials with bogus statistics and participation in a protest rally against the police department that culminated in a threat to police officers caught on video.”
Kelly also said Zisser should resign and “become a criminal defense attorney or an advocate for those convicted of crimes that are in jail. He has no business continuing the charade of being a neutral third part overseeing this police department.”
Police Chief Eddie Garcia said while he had the “utmost respect in the office of the independent police auditor” he was dismayed by Zisser’s actions.
“I’ve always worked with IPAs that not only had a passion for the community but respected the work of my rank and file,” he said. “That is missing now. The repeated acts of disrespect by the current IPA are reprehensible, and he has damaged the credibility of the office to its core.”
Zisser said he made a “quick stop” as the group was gathering blocks away from the police department to let them know someone in city government is listening. He said he did not make any remarks to the group, and did not participate in the march to the police department.
“I think it’s important, as often as possible, to go where the community is leading the conversations in more organic ways, rather than convening in my office,” Zisser said. “That’s not always where people feel comfortable sharing what’s on their minds.
“Going into their space, meeting them where they are, that goes a long way to building trust in the community. It’s very important my office be trusted in the community.”
Zisser said just because he listens to a community group doesn’t mean he adopts their message.
“I go to SJPD events; a lot of them,” he said. “That doesn’t mean I adopt their message. I hear their message and hear their challenges.
“I have to hear all views, all sides. That is the nature of this job.”
In June, the police union delivered a formal request to Liccardo seeking Zisser’s removal, a letter signed by more than 500 officers.
The union’s calls were first sparked by a controversy that marred the annual police audit report spearheaded by Zisser, which the union, the police chief and several city council members including Liccardo criticized as distorting certain use-of-force cases. The report did not initially disclose that what appeared to be startling percentages of racial disparities were based on just three arrests.
On July 13, the union again called for Zisser’s termination when his office failed to warn the department about a jailed suspect’s threats to shoot the next officers he encountered on the street.
“I’ve taken my licks and I don’t begrudge the POA for legitimate criticism of me,” Zisser said. “But this is really demonizing families who are most acutely affected by policing. People who most deserve to have their voices heard.”
Raj Jayadev, director of the civil-rights group Silicon Valley De-Bug, said the police union’s most recent claims against Zisser are “disturbing and insulting.”
“He goes to police events, academy graduations,” Jayadev said of Zisser. “No one is saying that somehow discredits him as being objective.”
Peralez said he takes the union’s allegations “very seriously” and does not believe the association is simply “crying wolf.” Peralez said he expects the council to take up the issue in closed session when they return from recess.
“Independent should be somebody that can exhibit that independence on all sides, not necessarily just separation from the police department,” Peralez said. “Equally, you want to ensure that your police auditor is also independent from any of what may be protest groups or individuals or organizations that have been predominantly anti-police.”
Jayadev did not mince words when asked about the possibility Zisser could lose his job because of the union campaign against him.
“That essentially ends the notion there could be something as independent civilian police oversight in San Jose, hands down,” Jayadev said. “No candidate would ever consider coming here. They know it would be a total lie, a false position.”
Staff writer Emily DeRuy contributed to this report. Contact Mark Gomez at 408- 920-5869.
Thanks for all the work you put in on The Farsider and letting us other guys look over your SJPD shoulders.
I read with interest the discussion regarding retired officers being allowed to lawfully carry magazines over 10 round capacity. When Prop 63 was passed in Nov 2016 it not only established the absolute 10 round limit, it also created Penal Code 32406 (effective 1/1/2017) which exempted honorably retired peace officers from that limit. The exemption covered federal officers and non-California officers, but retired Reserves were not covered by the exemption. I believe the current actions in CA have been intended to extend the exemption to Reserves meeting certain criteria. I admit to being slightly tentative in my comments on this as I have not been following the issue closely since moving to Idaho several months ago where none of this silliness matters.
Ron Pennington, Campbell PD (Ret.) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
PS: I remember Hal Lail possessing a very dry sense of humor. I recall him breaking up a Sexual Assault Investigators’ meeting by describing a 290 Registrant as a Tri-sexual because he would ‘try’ anything sexual.
Ron is one of few dozen retired personnel from other LE agencies who are members of the Farsider family. In addition to the Campbell PD, the other agencies include the S/O, CHP, FBI and a handful of other organizations whose retirees developed friendships and/or a working relationship with SJPD personnel over the years.
• • • • •
The passing of Hal Lail was another one of the many shocks that now seem to occur almost weekly.
Hal had a great mind and always thought like an engineer or scientist; he was always experimenting.
I believe he hand loaded .38/.357 ammo where he drilled out the nose of a bullet and inserted a primer. I heard discussions among his fellow officers about shooting tree branches with great affect.
He also hand loaded tracer ammo. About the time I was sworn-in, ’63, there was a kidnapping/hostage taking of a department store manager where the perp was shot in the skull with one of his tracers, the perp survived.
I bought a few rounds from him and shot them at the National Guard Armory basement range (our then police range) with the lights off and I actually carried them on duty. Years later someone shot the target car at the outdoor range with his tracers causing the car and the grass hill to catch fire. No more tracers allowed on or off duty.
In ’73-4 I worked alongside him as a Night Detective when he believed he could get fingerprints off of a dead body. He managed to borrow an x-ray machine from GE and arranged with the ME to try his idea on a corpse at the County Morgue. His experiment was successful, however it required the use of lead powder which is too dangerous to use for almost anything. I vaguely remember reading his write-up of this experiment, but I don’t believe it was ever published.
Working with him was always fascinating and never dull. I always wished I was his next door neighbor.
Charlie Hoehn <email@example.com>
• • • • •
I recently read on the Internet about the police in Japan. Take a look at these two articles, one from the “Irish Times” and the other from the “Economist.” Both are liberal European news organizations, which may be the reason for the negative twist on too many police being a bad thing.
The authors don’t mention that Japan will be hosting the 2020 Summer Olympics and might actually be planning ahead to have the officers in place and trained for what might occur when the “world” comes to their country.
Overall it sounds like the police are being proactive with law breakers in that country.
Ken Tanaka <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Below are the links Ken sent in. Readers can click on either or both to review the articles. In this day and age it behooves any city that is scheduled to host the Olympics to strengthen its law enforcement capability. Seems to me that’s a no brainer.
SJPD EMERALD SOCIETY NEWS (TWO EVENTS)
IT’S “TIP-A-COP” TIME AGAIN
MURDER ON BART — THE NIA WILSON CASE
People Protesting Stabbing of Nia Wilson Throw Explosives at Police
By Sandy Malone — Blue Lives Matter — July 24, 2018
Police were arresting John Lee Cowell for the murder of
18-year-old Nia Wilson as protests erupted in Oakland.
Oakland, CA – Protesters threw explosives at police Tuesday night, following the arrest of the man who fatally stabbed one woman and wounded her sister on a train platform in Oakland on Sunday night.
“In my close to 30 years of police experience, it was probably one of the most vicious attacks that I’ve seen,” Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) Police Chief Carlos Rojas said of the stabbing during a press conference on Monday, according to the SAN FRANCISCO GATE.
Nia Wilson, 18, and her 26-year-old sister Lahtifa were transferring trains on the MacArthur platform at about 9:36 p.m. on July 22 when they were approached by a man with a knife.
Police said John Lee Cowell, 27, stabbed both sisters in their necks, and then fled through the parking lot of the train station.
“We haven’t connected him with any type of radical group or white supremacist group … but we are going to explore all options,” Chief Rojas said.
The attack, and Cowell’s subsequent flight, were captured on surveillance cameras inside the train station and in the parking lot, the chief said.
He said Powell began removing his clothing as he fled through the parking lot, which police interpreted to be a guilty action.
“We have recovered what we believe to be the murder weapon,” the chief told reporters. He said investigators found a knife at an adjacent construction site.
Friends and family planned a vigil in Nia Wilson’s memory on Monday night. Hundreds of supporters gathered in a group that filled the BART station and spilled out onto the street, KGO-TV REPORTED.
Lahtifa Wilson attended the gathering honoring her sister with a bandage on her neck where she had been stabbed.
“She didn’t do nothing to nobody,” said Lahtifa Wilson. “I didn’t do nothing to nobody.”
The sisters were returning home from a family gathering together when the incident occurred on the BART platform.
“She’s just yelling my name, ‘Tifa, Tifa, Tifa’ and I said, ‘I got you baby, I got you,'” Lahtifa Wilson told KGO. “And I looked back and he was wiping off his knife and stood at the stairs and just looked.”
Cowell was captured on another BART train at about 6:30 p.m. on Monday, the San Francisco Gate reported.
Chief Rojas told reporters that police received the first tip about Cowell’s whereabouts at about 5:45 p.m., when a witness reported he’d gotten on a train at Coliseum Station bound for Richmond.
Then another rider contacted police and said they’d seen Cowell jumping onto an Antioch-bound train shortly thereafter, the chief said.
Police intercepted Cowell on a train at Pleasant Hill, where he was located and taken into custody after officers searched the train.
His arrest went without incident, and police said he wasn’t armed and provided his real identification when asked by officers, the chief said.
Chief Rojas described the incident as a “prison-type attack,” where he jumped his victims from behind and then quickly took off.
“It basically happened at the snap of the fingers, at the drop of the pin … that quick,” he said. “The officers were at the station, and as soon as they were notified, they reacted.”
The chief said the two officers in the station provided first aid to the Wilson sisters as they waited for an ambulance.
The vigil for Nia Wilson that began around 4 p.m. on Monday quickly grew into a protest as about 1,000 citizens showed up chanting and waving signs.
The protesters started out at the BART station where Nia Wilson was fatally stabbed, but then marchers headed into downtown to confront a group called the Proud Boys who were meeting at the Make Westing bar located at 18th and Telegraph, KPIX reported.
Violence broke out between the two groups at about 8 p.m., as helicopters hovered overhead.
When officers attempted to detain two people, the crowd began throwing M-80s at the police, KPIX reported.
There are five videos of the Oakland protest embedded in THIS link as well as readers’ comments about this story.
Frank Sommerville of KTVU Channel 2 profusely apologized on the 10 o’clock News Monday night for a photo of Nia Wilson the station aired during its noon newscast. (The station immediately pulled the photo off its website.) Below is a transcript of the apology Frank posted on his Facebook page. It should be noted that he was apologizing for the station; he had nothing to do with selecting the photo or airing it on the noon news as he covers the evening news slot.
From Frank Sommerville, KTVU Channel 2
I wanted to take a moment and apologize for a picture that KTVU showed on the air for several seconds today about the young woman who was killed on a Bart train last night.
Here name was Nia Wilson.
She was 18 years old.
On our noon newscast we briefly showed a picture taken from social media of her holding what appears to be a gun next to her head.
I had nothing to do with the picture being used.
I wasn’t even at work.
But as a leader in the newsroom I felt it was my job to speak up and apologize.
There is no excuse for what we did.
Repeat: No excuse!
We NEVER should have used that picture.
It was a huge mistake on our part.
We realized it instantly.
And that picture will NEVER appear on our air again.
We had a lot of pictures to choose from and unfortunately that was one of the ones we used.
Again there was no excuse for that.
And my belief is that when you make a mistake you own up to it.
And that was our mistake.
A big mistake.
Please know that everyone here at KTVU is mortified by what happened.
Also know that it was important enough for me to suggest to our News Director that I write this.
She said she was actually thinking the same thing.
And she agreed without hesitation.
Nia was a beautiful young girl.
She had her whole life ahead of her.
From me, and all of us at KTVU, I can’t say enough how sorry we are.
The photo on the left is the one that aired on the noon news.
The two on the right are also from Nia Wilson’s Facebook page…
Nia’s family, or someone within, posted the following message at the top of her Facebook page.
Remembering Nia Wilson:
“We hope people who love Nia will find comfort in visiting her profile to remember and celebrate her life.”
In addition to Nia’s most recents posts, clicking on “Photos” will bring up a page displaying dozens of pictures that Nia posted, including the three above. In addition, there are dozens of YouTube videos covering numerous aspects of her life that have been posted by apparent friends and associates (type her name into the YouTube search field).
For her to lose her life in a seemingly random event is a true tragedy for the young lady. May she rest in peace.
STORIES OF THE WEEK
How tall is that flagpole?
Received from Bruce Fair
Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, “Thirty-two feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman,” he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they are senators.
• • • • •
A letter from Aunt Harriet
From the Archives
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was so glad I did because of the wonderful uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection and was so lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is that I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It was a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
In fact, I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!”
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Then everyone started honking!
I was so moved that I leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
Then I realized that there must have been a man from Florida a few cars back because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
A moment later I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air, so I asked my teen-aged grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson was so elated that he burst out laughing. Even he seemed to be enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I thought to myself that they probably wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this was when I noticed the light had changed.
So I smiled and waved at all my brothers and sisters, then drove on through the intersection.
But when I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them behind after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon,
• • • • •
Little Johnnie checks out the neighbor’s new baby…
From the Archives
Little Johnnie’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without ears.
When the mother and her new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby. But before they left the house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears — or even said the word “ears” — he would get the smacking of his life when they got back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.”
Johnnie added, “He has beautiful little feet and hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes,” the mother replied, “We are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great,” said Little Johnnie, ‘cuz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses.”
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
July 23: This is maybe the most important week of the year in the United States. It’s Shark Week. Did you know that? I went to church to kick things off because it’s important to remember what Shark Week’s really about. Shark Week started in 1988, back when sharks were still carrying beepers. And 30 years later, here we are.
I don’t know how the Discovery Channel keeps coming up with new shark shows. These are real shows: They have “Shaq Does Shark Week.” They’ve got “Guy Fieri’s Feeding Frenzy,” “Cash Cab: Shark Week Edition,” “Naked and Afraid of Sharks,” and “Bear Versus Shark” — which, if you think about that one, in a battle between bear and shark, home field advantage would be huge, right?
They get big ratings every year for this. Meanwhile, do you know how many people are killed by sharks every year? I looked this up today. Five. There are five shark fatalities per year in the world. We are deathly afraid of an animal that kills fewer people than Tide pods.
The president was up past his bedtime last night, lashing out after the president of Iran said, “America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace and war with Iran is the mother of all wars.” And to that Trump responded with the mother of all caps.
He wrote, “To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” I guess that’s his idea of Sunday Funday.
It’s interesting that Trump would react so strongly to typical Iranian rhetoric. These people have the words “Death to America” on their license plate frames. This is not an unusual circumstance. This is their thing. So people are wondering why the president would threaten them with nuclear war when he let Vladimir Putin practically run his fingers through his hair.
Today we learned that federal prosecutors have 12 conversations secretly recorded by former Trump personal attorney Michael Cohen. At least one of those is a conversation with Donald Trump himself. That tape, which was recorded two months before the election, features Cohen and his orange-colored client chatting about paying off a former Playboy model named Karen McDougal. Trump’s current lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, said that Trump did nothing wrong and in fact he says this tape is proof that Trump is innocent. Donald Trump could choke a horse to death on “Fox & Friends” live, Rudy Giuliani would be on MSNBC an hour later claiming he was hugging it while it died of old age.
July 23: The big story is that last night President Trump lashed out at Iran on Twitter, and some people are afraid that he might start World War III. In response, Americans were like, “Come on, man, at least wait until Shark Week is over.”
At midnight last night, Trump sent this tweet. This is real. He wrote: “To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Even your uncle on Facebook was like, “That’s a lot of all caps.”
Trump didn’t stop after that one tweet. He also tweeted at another world leader. Check out what he said: “To Vladimir Putin: NEVER, EVER FORGET TO TEXT ME BACK, OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH OF FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL LET THOSE THREE LITTLE ‘STILL TYPING’ DOTS STAY THERE FOR HOURS. BE CAUTIOUS!”
Thanks to Trump’s trade policies, the U.S. now has a giant stockpile of meat. On the bright side, “giant stockpile of meat” is also a great nickname for Tinder.
It just came out that the next season of “American Horror Story” will be called “American Horror Story: Apocalypse.” But the producers also considered some other names for the new season that are even scarier. For instance, they almost went with “American Horror Story: The Line at Whole Foods.”
Next there’s “American Horror Story: Your Phone Is at 5 Percent and Nobody at Work Has a Charger You Can Borrow.”
Finally, there is “American Horror Story: You Got Antsy, Switched Lanes, and Now the Other Lane Is Moving, But You Are Stuck.”
Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National “Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office” Day.
July 23: Well, move over, Gettysburg Address! After the president of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump posted an all-caps tweet saying, “To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” All I can say is thank God we didn’t elect a woman president. They’re just too emotional.
Vice President Mike Pence today hosted a fundraiser for a Republican representative in Philadelphia, but he left as soon as he found out it’s the city of brotherly love.
Former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page yesterday called accusations that he was a Russian agent a ridiculous smear campaign. Coincidentally, a “ridiculous smear” is what Trump asks his makeup artists for.
Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s book will be released tomorrow. You know, Sean, if you had a bunch of things to tell us, you could have done that when it was your job.
The California home used for exterior shots on “The Brady Bunch” is up for sale, and you know the three most important words in real estate: “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.”
A California town recently opened a drive-thru marijuana dispensary, or as they’re more commonly known, a Taco Bell.
July 23: As you may know, Iran’s president has been saying some inflammatory things towards the United States, so last night around midnight President Trump downed three Red Bulls and tweeted this: “To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Now, it seems like the only thing still working in the Trump administration is the caps lock key.
This is a scary tweet. It really is. By the way, how’s the first lady’s online bullying campaign going? Is it good, is it going well? Any updates? I love how Trump tells him to “be cautious” at the end. Because if anyone knows about being cautious, it’s the 72-year-old guy who eats two quarter pounders every night.
On Friday, it was revealed that when the FBI raided the office of Trump’s lawyer, they found secretly recorded conversations with the president. And those tapes are now in the hands of the special prosecutor. So on Saturday, Trump downed a case of Monster Energy drinks and lashed out on Twitter, writing: “Inconceivable that the government would break into a lawyer’s office early in the morning — almost unheard of.” The only thing inconceivable about the whole thing is that Trump spelled inconceivable correctly. No one saw that coming!
He then went on to say, “The good news is that your favorite president did nothing wrong!” Now this I agree with, I do, but why even bring Obama into this?
“Your favorite president”? You can’t just give yourself a nickname. Believe me, I tried for three years of high school to change my nickname to Jam Master James; it didn’t work at all.
I like that Trump’s extra angry that it was “early in the morning.” It’s like, “Ugh, don’t even think about raiding my office until I’ve had my first cup of coffee.”
According to a new report, young Republican staffers in Washington, D.C., are having trouble meeting people on dating apps because they’re being harassed for their political views. According to some Republican staffers, they are getting harassed so much on dating apps they’re now starting to feel like every woman on every dating app.
Following years of complaints, the city of San Francisco has banned tour buses from stopping in front of the home from the TV show “Full House.” They won’t allow it. This is bad news for tourists. It is. Now you’ll have to find something more riveting to do on vacation than sitting in a van very slowly passing by a house.
I will say the city’s being very strict about this. San Francisco’s Twitter said: “DO NOT GO NEAR THE ‘FULL HOUSE’ RESIDENCE AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.”
July 23: Everyone’s in a celebratory mood. I’m not surprised. Happy holidays! It’s Shark Week! Merry Shark-mas! Or, for my Jewish shark viewers: Mazel-teeth!
And why is this Shark Week different from all other Shark Weeks? Because this is the first Shark Week since we learned that, in an attempt to seduce Stormy Daniels, Trump invited her to watch two and a half hours of Shark Week. Or as the kids call it, Netflix and krill.
Speaking of Stormy Daniels, it’s time for tonight’s edition of “Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition!” McDougal is the former Playboy Playmate who allegedly had a year-long affair with Donald Trump, beginning just three months after the birth of his and Melania’s son, roughly the same time as he slept with Stormy Daniels. That’s dangerous! You don’t want to risk that! Can you imagine he’s having sex and calls out the wrong mistress’ name? I’m joking, of course. Just kidding, he screams out his own name. “Oh, Truuuump!”
Trump has always denied the affair with McDougal, but on Friday, we found out that Michael Cohen secretly taped Trump discussing payment to McDougal. There are tapes! At this point, Nixon is going to rise from dead and say, “I’m suing you for copyright infringement.”
Trump is very upset, reportedly saying, “I can’t believe Michael would do this with me.” No sir, that’s believable. What I can’t believe is that Karen McDougal would do THAT with you.
This weekend, Trump defended himself on Twitter: “Inconceivable that the government would break into a lawyer’s office (early in the morning) — almost unheard of. Even more inconceivable that a lawyer would tape a client — totally unheard of and perhaps illegal. The good news is that your favorite president did nothing wrong!” Sir, I know Grover Cleveland did nothing wrong, OK? I’m a bit of a Cleve-head. Only two-term non-consecutive president!
On Sunday, there was a speech by Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. The U.S. is about to reimpose sanctions on Iran, and Rouhani warned, “America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother of all wars.” Mother’s Day in Iran sounds intense. Do not forget to get her a card.
Rouhani also warned Trump “not to play with the lion’s tail, because you will regret it eternally.” That’s just good advice. Also, do not play with the lion’s mouth, you will regret it immediately.
Trump responded by punching caps lock and flooring it! “To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Yes, be cautious! You cross Donald Trump, and you’re gonna get what the other dictators got: a friendly summit, a handshake, and, if you’re not careful, an invitation to the White House.
Seems like an all-caps note is not necessarily the way to deal with a hostile foreign leader. It’s barely the way to deal with a coworker who keeps stealing your yogurt from the fridge. “To the person who keeps stealing my yogurt: NEVER, EVER TOUCH MY YOPLAIT WHIPS AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT THE BREAK ROOM HAVE SUFFERED BEFORE. I AM NO LONGER A PAYROLL ASSISTANT WHO WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED THEFT OF MY HEALTHY DESSERT ALTERNATIVES. BE CAUTIOUS!”
Meanwhile, Trump continues his strategic and targeted trade war against everyone. This is bad news for a lot of businesses, but especially the U.S. meat industry. Thanks to new tariffs from China and Mexico, there’s now 2.5 billion pounds of meat piled up. Good news for McDonald’s AND McDonald’s Playlands. “Kids, go play in the meat pit.”
There’s so much surplus meat that pork processors recently have reduced some hours at plants, and some plants even have turned away hogs. Ugh, can you imagine being a hog trying to get past the velvet rope at the slaughter house? “Come on, man, my cousin’s already in there. He’s a giant hog. Man, this is whack, I cleaned all the mud off myself for nothing.”
All of this surplus meat has led to a desperate new ad campaign: “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner. And breakfast, and lunch. Also, you drink it now.”
Be honest. Aren’t those red socks a bit much?
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for what’s new.
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A part of Chicago might be burning right now if it wasn’t for the body cam footage of this armed subject going for the semi auto on his right hip. That the CPD released the footage right away was obviously the RIGHT call. (2:54)
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Meanwhile, down in Tucson, a subject armed with a box cutter who tried to stick up a Mexican restaurant probably WISHED he could have called 911 himself had he been able to get to this phone. (1:47)
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To compare ICE with ISIS is about as sick and unfunny as one can get, but that’s the message this clip is sending to the hard left, and no doubt getting applauded. If we had the power, we’d give Michelle Wolf a good, swift kick in the butt and ship her off to Iran. Click on THIS link received from Rob Reek to see what we’re talking about. (Warning: Major F-bomb at the end.) (2:34)
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If the name Michelle Wolf sounds familiar, it might be a a result of the 15 minutes of fame she received at the 2018 White House Correspondents’ Dinner back in April. HERE are excerpts of her routine. (3:22)
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To get away from hard left morons like Wolf, we’re taking to the sky. Here is excellent footage of an F/A-18 breaking over “Mother,” then circling back to trap. In plain English, that means the pilot is flying over his aircraft carrier and making a wide circle in preparation to catch an arresting cable and LAND on the deck. (2:06)
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There was a U-2 Wing at Davis Monthan AFB in Tucson when I was assigned to the base in the mid-1960s. To pass the time when we were off duty, a couple of friends and I would hike down to the end of the flight line and watch U-2s practice landing. Things have changed a little over the past half century, but the same basics still apply in order to get the big jet-powered glider on the ground. Watch THIS. (2:12)
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Anyone remember Super Dave Osborne when he began a nationwide tour to bring peace and harmony to America with his Sing-Along Tour? Hailed as one of the greatest stuntmen in the world, he decided to use his fame to rid the U.S. of anger and violence. WATCH as he starts his Sing-Along Tour atop his custom bus, and stick with it to the end. (6:;14)
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If we were still working the streets, the RCMP in Canada shows us what a DUI test for pot may look like now that weed is legal here in the (very appropriately named) GOLDEN State. (1:52)
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That Bill Leavy was interested in becoming a football referee in the NFL and not in the U.S. Soccer Federation was a smart call. And after he sees this clip, we are willing to wager he will FEEL the same way. (5:21)
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Hope for Paws update for this week: Lisa and JoAnn responded on this call to rescue a little homeless and very scared dog they NAMED (Han) Solo. (4:01)
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Sandy, Lauren, Lisa and Eldad worked together to rescue a Pit Bull that desperately needed medical care, and THAT is exactly what “Savanna” received. (4:51)
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This spunky little pooch tried a couple of times to take a chunk of skin out of Elder’s hand, but he finally came around and allowed himself to be rescued. Meet Toto, a cutie that was badly in NEED of a bath and a trim. (4:50)
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Animals have best buddies, too. And here’s a short clip that backs up THAT statement. (3:02)
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Watch what happens when a family of Langur Monkeys believe that this robot monkey has died. It’s just more evidence that shows how closely related we are to the OTHER primates. (2:08)
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Yes, these orangutans fascinate me, especially the adults. When I look at momma’s eyes as she scans the crowd of onlookers, it’s easy to imagine a human face behind a mask. Watch her as she kisses her pride and joy at the 2:17 mark, just like a human mom. Who’s a pretty baby? Who’s a pretty baby? Well, little one, YOU’RE a pretty baby, that’s who! (3:39)
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It’s not just the uniqueness of this animal that makes this 2-minute clip worth watching, it’s the way in which the narrator presents the information. He is one FUNNY man. (2:14)
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If you have ever contemplated pulling a tree stump out of the ground, think of this clip as a primer on what type of vehicle to use, and NOT use. (6:32)
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So what’s Stanley Roberts of People Behaving Badly been up to this week? He’s at the Glide Memorial Church in the city and looking at the needy vs. the greedy in the church’s food HANDOUT program. (2:35)
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Street performers are as common in many European cities as panhandlers are in some of the major cities here in the US, and some of them are amazing. Here are ten performers that are somewhat typical of those you will find on the other side of the POND. (Don’t miss the clown at the 6:50 mark.) (10:38)
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(“Tell me it ain’t so, Mike.”) If you are (or were) a fan of American Pickers, you may find this clip of interest. Or NOT. (4:55)
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Various law enforcement agencies throughout the country are participating in what is called the “Lip Sync Challenge,” similar to the Ice Bucket Challenge that swept the country last year. This CBS news clip explains where it started and how the Lip Sync Challenge has spread.
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Here are a few examples of LE agencies that chose to accept the challenge…
SAN FRANCISCO PD (3:31)
(with a cameo from Willie Brown)
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SAN FRANCISCO CHP (1:31)
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LOS ANGELES CO. S/O (2:02)
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BEAUMONT (TX) PD (3:03)
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NORTH CHARLESTON (SC) PD (2:59)
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GREENSBORO (NC) PD (4:09)
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There are dozens of other agencies’ videos on YouTube. Enter “Lip
Sync Challenge Police” in the Search Field and they should pop up.
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See if you can guess the name of the classical instrumental performed by this flashmob in this week’s closer before you start the video. Is the clue right before your eyes? Yep. But do you remember the melody? Click HERE and see if you got it right. (6:16)
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Pic of the Week
Fact: 1956, the year of the very first selfie…
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