April 26, 2018
The Farsider is an independent publication that is not affiliated with the San Jose Police Benevolent
Assn. The SJPBA has allowed the Farsider to be included on its website solely for the convenience of
the retired San Jose Police community. The content of this newsletter does not represent or reflect
the views of the San Jose Police Benevolent Association’s Board of Directors or its membership.
Remember that the May Membership Meeting is scheduled for
Tuesday, May 1st, at 7:30 AM.
1. AB 931
2. Legal Update
3. Comp Time Reduction Update
THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF SAN JOSE AND THE SJPD
How San Jose Went from Being the ‘Wild West of Weed’ to a Bastion for Legal Cannabis
By Lauren Hepler — April 19, 2018 — San Jose Inside
Industry veteran Steve DeAngelo has watched the South
Bay’s cannabis sector evolve from the “Wild West” of weed
to a destination for entrepreneurs and consumers alike.
(Illustration by Kara Brown)
When longtime cannabis evangelist Steve DeAngelo envisions the future of weed in Silicon Valley, he starts to sound like Steve Jobs.
Since the Jan. 1 legalization of recreational marijuana sales in California, the founder of the Harborside mega-dispensaries in San Jose and Oakland, has been all about encouraging “new adopters,” tech-jargon-tinged promotional efforts and, of course, lowering his industry’s tax bill.
“We’ve got a new, super innovative way for people to experience the aroma of cannabis,” DeAngelo says of a technology Harborside is developing in response to tighter state rules on offering old-fashioned smells of products prior to purchase. In fact, the mystery sensory enhancer will actually be part of a blind marijuana scent-testing contest planned at Harborside. “The person who guesses the largest number of strains correctly is going to get a prize,” he says.
The mobile apps, iPad ordering system and dizzying array of marijuana derivatives stocked in the sleek, natural wood display cases at Harborside are a local illustration of an industry-wide effort to professionalize and modernize pot. In San Jose, that process has also entailed a profound shift in city policy, from the freewheeling days of more than 120 unregulated dispensaries as recently as 2014 to a center of gravity in California’s high-value legal weed industry.
Now, with many affluent neighboring suburbs still clinging to complete or partial cannabis retail prohibitions, San Jose has become the de facto—if accidental, or at least reluctant—weed capital of Silicon Valley.
Click HERE to read the rest of this story,
Fortunately, the headline below applies to New Orleans, not California or San Jose’s pension plans for public safety employee. Thank God it can’t happen here, right? RIGHT?
Pension Board Slashes Payments to Injured Officers Across the State
Fox 8 Live — April 18th 2018
New Orleans, LA — Former police officers critically wounded in the line of duty have their lifetime pensions cut in half and are being forced to pay back hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“You’re looking at these things as numbers, you’re looking at things as a value, you are forgetting that we are people. Not only are we people but we are public servants who are sworn to protect you,” former NOPD Ofc. Chris Ahner said Wednesday.
Standing before the Board of Trustees for the Municipal Police Employees’ Retirement System, Ahner explained how he nearly gave his life for the NOPD.
“I got hit by a car going 70 miles per hour, I broke my neck, my hips have been fractured, both of my legs nearly ripped completely off,” Ahner stated.
In February of 2000, another drunk police officer slammed into Ahner. The 33-year-old spent months in the hospital and had to learn how to walk again. Years later, the pension board told Ahner, he’d receive a disability pension for life. But in March, the board rescinded that decision, voting instead to give Ahner 40 percent of his pension, and requiring him to pay back over $200,000 in money he’s already received.
Ahner showed up at Wednesday’s meeting, pleading his case.
“Are you kidding me? You guys represent me”, Ahner pleaded.
Emotionally he continued, “My family, my family is impacted by this.”
Ahner isn’t the only former officer affected. Others received the same life-changing news from the board.
“You guys took the 11 or so of the most severely injured in the state of Louisiana and you took out the sickles and you whacked the heads off on over half of them,” Ahner said to board members.
Benjamin Huxen, executive director and general counsel for the Retirement System, countered, “We’re not talking about if someone is entitled to disability or not, it’s the 100 percent benefit and whether the accident occurred on or after July 1st, 2003.”
In 2003, the law pertaining to disability pensions was re-written. It states, if someone loses the loss of a limb after July 1st, 2003, they’re eligible for a full pension. But before that date is another story. Ahner contends, although he didn’t lose a limb, he can’t perform the functions of a police officer. Confusion about the law and Ahner’s fate was evident at Wednesday’s meeting.
“Unfortunately, we have to follow the law and in following the law, sometimes it doesn’t include deserving people,” board member Donald Villere said.
Board member Larry Reech commented, “We had attorneys look at the law, he was disabled under the 100 percent, we gave it to him. 18-years-later we’re going back and he’s had what, 100 surgeries. When all of this started with Joey Norman and all them, these are the kinds of cases you leave them alone. You leave those guys alone, for Christ’s sake.”
One thing most board members agree on; the law should be changed yet again.
“It’s a situation where we’re gonna have to look at changing the law in order to help those folks get the benefit they deserve,” Villere said.
For Chris Ahner, until the law is changed, he’s stuck only receiving a fraction of the pension he’s spent years paying into and sacrificed his body, to earn.
The board of trustees also told Chris Ahner at their Wednesday meeting, they’d work with him on the more than $200,000 he owes in overpayments. But Ahner says he feels defeated that for the foreseeable future, there’s little hope he’ll receive his full pension.
I saw this on Facebook. It is a petition to fire Egyptian-born Randa Jarrar who called Barbara Bush a racist and the mother who raised a war criminal (George W. Bush). The woman has tenure which may preclude her from getting the axe, but signing the petition made me feel good whether it works or not. Here is the link.
Red State <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Signed and sent off, Red. And you are right, there was some satisfaction whether she keeps her job or not. Unfortunately, it was reported yesterday (Wed.) morning that Fresno State released a statement saying that Jarrar broke no rules and will not be disciplined or fired. For more about this issue, the April 24th edition of the Fresno Bee included an update on the controversy which can be read HERE.
RANGE QUALIFICATION INFO REMINDER
The Range is currently closed for retiree qualifications and will reopen on Monday, May 14.
RSVP NOW FOR THE BOBBY BURROUGHS MEMORIAL BARBECUE IN FOLSOM
Announcing the 11th Annual Bobby Burroughs Memorial BBQ in Folsom
Date and Time:
Saturday, May 19, 2017
Lunch at 12:00 p.m.
Meeting right after lunch
The Lou Howard Pavilion
7100 Baldwin Dam Rd.
Folsom, CA 95630
(Click on the link below to RSVP and for directions)
Please RSVP if you plan on attending so we can get an accurate head count for lunch. You can RSVP by filling out the form at THIS link, or by contacting Jerry Ellis at 408-730-9974 or by email at <email@example.com>.
ANOTHER DATE TO MARK DOWN
Contact Cynthia Theobald (SJPD GIU) at 408-537-1270
or Nicole Decker at <firstname.lastname@example.org> for more info
SPEAKING OF EARTHQUAKES (AS WE WERE LAST WEEK)
After we went to press with last week’s Farsider that included an item about the ’06 San Francisco earthquake we received a link from Lumpy to an interactive New York Times article on the subject that makes for interesting (and nervous) reading. Because it’s an interactive article it will only work if you pull it up from the link itself, which you can do by clicking HERE.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN HERE IN THE GOLDEN SANCTUARY STATE
Don’t look for the Mainstream Media to report on incidents like this. It doesn’t fit their narrative about illegal Aliens…
Court Ignores ICE Detainer, Releases Rapist on Bond to Flee Country
By Holly Matkin
Blue Lives Matter — April 12, 2018
A Massachusetts woman was raped by her Uber Driver who
was able to flee the country after the court released him.
A Massachusetts woman was raped by her Uber driver, who was able to flee the country after the court released him.
Boston, MA – An illegal alien, who was working as an Uber driver, is believed to have fled the country following allegations that he raped a female passenger.
Ghana native Frederic Amfo, 30, was arrested in relation to the attack, but was allowed to bond out despite his flight risk and an ICE detainer, WFXT reported.
The incident occurred on Apr. 8, when Emily Murray used Uber to get a ride home after a night out with friends.
Her driver, Amfo, dropped off another passenger, then drove her to a dimly lit street, the Boston Herald reported.
He proceeded to lock the doors to the vehicle, and raped Murray in the backseat, she told WFXT.
Afterwards, Amfo asked her if she was on birth control, the Boston Herald reported.
“Within minutes, I was in a situation I couldn’t control, and I was assaulted,” Murray told WFXT. “It happened. I’m not ashamed, I’m not embarrassed. I understand what happened. I know I did nothing wrong.”
Investigators collected DNA evidence from a rape kit and from Amfo’s vehicle, which led to his arrest.
Murray was able to identify him in a photo lineup, the Boston Herald reported.
“I did the right thing,” she told WHDH. “I came forward, I did everything by the book that you are supposed to, and it failed me.”
Amfo appeared in Quincy District Court on Apr. 13, and was afforded a $10,000 bond. He was also told to stay away from Murray, and was ordered to surrender his passport within 24 hours of posting bail.
Although Amfo immediately bonded out of jail, he never surrendered his passport.
On Monday, Murray learned that her attacker had fled to the African nation of Ghana.
Murray said she was outraged that Amfo has had “zero” accountability for sexually assaulting her.
“If I went to Ghana and I committed a crime, I wouldn’t expect to be able to hop on a plane and say, ‘Sorry about that, here’s some money,'” she told WFXT. “I would expect to answer for it. Accountability.”
“I feel hurt,” Murray told the Boston Herald. “People get blamed for not coming forward and then get victimized more when they do.”
Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials were furious that Amfo was allowed to walk out of jail, despite his illegal status in the U.S., WFXT reported.
They said they had placed an immigration detainer on Amfo immediately after his arrest.
“That detainer should have followed the alien as he transferred from the Quincy Court House,” ICE said in a statement, according to WFXT. “The court chose not to forward the detainer to Norfolk County, allowing for his subsequent release on bail from custody.”
“This case highlights the potential dangers of policies that prohibit cooperation with ICE,” the statement read.
On Tuesday evening, the Massachusetts Trial Court issued a statement, and said the court will now require defendants ordered to surrender their passports to do so prior to being released from custody.
They also said that a warrant for Amfo’s arrest had been issued.
Murray refused to stay silent about the injustice, and said she was at “a loss for words” that Amfo was able to flee to the other side of the planet.
“I was angry,” she said. “I’m still angry. I’m confused.”
Murray said she decided to go public about her victimization, because she does not want to see the same thing happen to anyone else.
“It’s just not a victimless crime,” she told WFXT. “Someone needs to answer, and there needs to be a face behind it for people to care, and that’s the truth.”
Murray said she fully understands the ramifications of Amfo’s escape.
“I don’t feel that I’ll ever have justice for what’s happened to me. But I hope this shines a light and it won’t happen in the future because of me coming forward and me releasing my name and putting a face behind this whole situation,” she told the Boston Herald.
Click HERE to review the readers’ comments about this story.
ARE WE HEADED TOWARD A CIVIL WAR?
By John Hawkins — Opinion
Town Hall — April 21, 2018
I was interviewed by a mainstream media reporter yesterday. I thought he wanted to talk tech issues, but we actually spent almost the entire conversation discussing the feeling that many conservatives have that America has gone off the tracks and is headed toward dissolution or alternately, a civil war one day. Obviously, this would be a terrible thing and ironically, twenty years ago, it would have been laughable. Today, the joke isn’t so funny because we are a deeply unhealthy society with a dysfunctional government and for all our money, success and storied history, we seem to be on an increasingly dangerous trajectory.
1) A Post-Constitutional Era: Liberals don’t believe in the Constitution. Typically they deny this, but that’s exactly what a “living” Constitution means. You make it up as you go along. The Founders foresaw the instability and danger that would be created by this approach, which is why they wanted us to be a constitutional republic, not a democracy. Unfortunately, America has in many ways already become a post-constitutional democracy and we’re one liberal judge away from abandoning the Constitution altogether. Once we get to that point, America just becomes the representation of that old saying, “Democracy is two wolves and a sheep deciding what to have for dinner.” Of course people are not lambs and when large numbers of them believe they aren’t being treated fairly, they do have the option of getting away from the wolves.
2) Tribalism: The “you only have to listen to people you already agree with” nature of social media has dramatically ramped up the level of tribalism in the United States. The Right has gotten much more tribal since Donald Trump rose to prominence and the Left has taken tribalism into hyper-drive. Increasingly, liberals treat a range of opinion between Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton as legitimate while everyone else is viewed as a white supremacist Nazi primitive that must be driven down into the gutter for society to move forward. This makes any sort of dialogue or cooperation nearly impossible. When every issue is a zero sum war where one tribe must win or lose, a lot of people quite understandably ask, “What do we gain by staying allied to this other tribe?”
3) Federal Government Too Powerful: Federalism is a safety valve on the American pressure cooker. As long as people in San Francisco can, for the most part, live the way they want to live while the people in rural North Carolina can, for the most part, live the way they want to live, it’s much easier for everyone to get along. When people are unnecessarily forced to live under rules they find abhorrent because the federal government has become an octopus that has inserted its tentacles into every minute crevice of American life, it creates discontent on a wide scale. If most Americans wanted to live like people in San Francisco, they’d live in San Francisco.
4) Moral Decline: As Samuel Adams once noted, “A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy. While the people are virtuous they cannot be subdued; but when once they lose their virtue then will be ready to surrender their liberties to the first external or internal invader.”
A large number of Americans HAVE LOST their principles, manners and virtue and it shows through from the sort of politicians they elect, to their rudeness online, to the sort of shallow hedonism and fame whoring they find appealing. Americans are increasingly becoming a soft and decadent people which is problematic because the challenges may change, but we can be certain that Americans will face future challenges every bit as difficult as the ones past generations had to tackle. This is frightening because if you look at the “principles, manners and virtue” of Americans today, they don’t seem capable of dealing with monumental events like the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Depression or World War II. Most people in their twenties probably couldn’t tell you why all those events were such challenges in the first place. When America faces a challenge bigger than we can handle because of ineffective politicians and our “amusing ourselves to death” population, there are no guarantees our republic will survive.
5) The Debt: America is a freight train heading toward a cliff, but because we’re not moving toward the edge at lightning speed, no one seems all that concerned. However, the fact of the matter is that a reckoning is coming. At some point, probably within the next decade or two, we will face a debt-driven economic collapse; borrowed money will stop flowing into the United States and Medicare/Social Security as we know it will fall apart because we will not have the money to pay it. If and when we get to that point, all bets are off because if regions of the country see an advantage to splitting off from the United States at that point, they will do it.
6) Lack Of A Shared Culture: There has never been a time when American culture was more fragmented than it is today. By that, I mean that there are legions of people with millions of fans or followers on the Internet that the vast majority of Americans have never heard of in their lives. We don’t have that shared love of anybody or for that matter, anything. Conservatives and liberals disagree on economics (capitalist/socialist), religion (friendly to Christianity/hostile to Christianity), the Constitution (support/believe in a living Constitution i.e. no Constitution), etc., on and on. The average conservative and the average liberal disagree on 95% of the issues and in the few limited cases where they do look at things the same, they won’t support a proposal by the other out of sheer tribalism. Over the long haul, there has be something more to hold a country together than, “We wear Nikes, like pop music and play golf.”
7) Gun Grabbing: Liberals have fallen in love with the idea of ignoring the 2nd Amendment and confiscating all firearms. The logistics of doing this in a nation with hundreds of millions of guns (many of which are off the books) when many police departments and tens of millions of Americans would not cooperate is seldom discussed. Another thing that seldom seems brought up is that large numbers of conservatives would see this as a prelude to the government’s use of force against the citizenry. When it is discussed on the Left, there seems to be an assumption that lone resisters might get into firefights with dozens of police or soldiers, as opposed to ganging up with other formerly law-abiding Americans to waylay gun confiscators, politicians and anti-gun activists at THEIR HOMES in guerrilla actions that would be silently applauded and supported by hundreds of millions of Americans concerned about their freedom. Confiscating guns is a dangerous and stupid idea that could in and of itself end our republic if a serious attempt were ever made to implement it.
FORMER SAN JOSE COP THROWS HIS HAT IN THE RACE FOR SHERIFF
A campaign flyer was posted on the San Jose cops’ (10-7ODSJ) page on Facebook a day or two ago. Looks like former San Jose cop Martin Monica wants to be the new Sheriff in town. The flyer contained the following pic and info, which we had to reformat so it would fit the Farsider.
I have been a chief of police. I have a BA in social work, a master’s in education and working on a doctorate in police leadership.
I currently teach as an elementary teacher. I am Hispanic. I have published articles in police ethics, community policing and police leadership. I am a lifelong democrat born and raised in Santa Clara County. I am a cancer survivor.
With a background in social work, I understand mental health illness and there needs to be major change in the jail, stop abuse of inmates with mental health issues, to support rehabilitation to reduce recidivism. Develop ongoing mental health training of officers.
Develop Human Trafficking unit, start to test all rape kits, develop community policing into a department wide philosophy. Develop a review board that takes action swiftly. There needs to be new blood in the top leadership in order to develop a new vision that will support major changes in the organization.
I am not afraid to take action on officers that abuse people. I arrested a police sergeant for raping a migrant child, resulted in prison for the Sgt.
For change in leadership vote Martin Monica.
If you want more info or would like to contribute to his campaign, click HERE, then on the three short horizontal lines in the upper right corner of the page.
AS A CARD-CARRYING MEMBER OF THE CHEROKEE NATION I APPROVE OF THE REAL INDIAN’S MESSAGE
‘Real Indian’ Running Against Sen. Elizabeth Warren Sues After City Tells Him to Stop Calling Her ‘Fake Indian’
By Gregg Re — Fox News — April 22, 2018
A bus parked outside Shiva Ayyadurai’s campaign
headquarters taunts Mass. Democratic Sen. Elizabeth
Warren’s claims of Native American heritage.
A self-described “real Indian” who is running against Mass. Democratic Sen. Elizabeth Warren is suing after city officials demanded he take down his signs calling her a “fake Indian.”
The upstart independent Senate challenger, Shiva Ayyadurai, on Sunday filed a federal lawsuit alleging that the demand from the city of Cambridge violates his constitutional free speech rights, according to The Washington Times.
Since March 17, Ayyadurai’s campaign bus has sported two identical signs picturing himself and a rendition of Warren wearing Indian attire. Emblazoned next to the images are the words: “Only a REAL INDIAN Can Defeat the Fake Indian.”
Click HERE for video clips in support of this web page.
The bus has reportedly been stationed in a parking lot in front of an office building owned by Ayyadurai, who faces exceptionally long odds, for more than a month — just a mile from Warren’s home.
Earlier this month, the campaign received a notice from Cambridge building inspector Branden Vigneault that the signs lacked the appropriate “approvals and permits,” according to local reports and the Ayyadurai campaign.
“We will not remove the slogan from our bus,” Ayyadurai told The Washington Times. “We will defend the First Amendment, and we will fight this egregious attack on the First Amendment, at any cost.”
Ayyadurai’s campaign reportedly thinks the building code doesn’t apply to the signs because they’re on a bus, not a structure.
Warren has long been accused of saying she is of Native American heritage to help in securing jobs, including one as a Harvard law professor.
President Trump has repeatedly called Warren, a Wall Street critic and potential White House rival, “Pocahontas,” a notable American Indian woman in colonial history, to highlight the controversy. Warren has said she ruled out challenging Trump in 2020.
When asked in March whether she’d agree to calls for genetic testing to resolve the heritage controversy, Warren launched into a family history, as purportedly told by her parents and grandparents, before saying, “It’s a part of who I am, and no one’s ever going to take that away.”
Experts have cast doubt on Warren’s claim.
“The problem with Warren’s story is that none of the evidence supports it,” Cherokee genealogist Twila Barnes wrote after researching Warren’s family.
But observers have also accused Ayyadurai of puffery and distortion, as well. The attacks mostly center on his longstanding claim to be the inventor of e-mail.
THIS AWARD SHOULD STAND OUT ON HIS TROPHY WALL
(Primarily because there isn’t much else on it)
Colin Kaepernick Decries Police Killings as ‘Lawful Lynchings’
Law Officer — April 22, 2018
In his acceptance speech for the Ambassador of Conscience Award at the Amnesty International ceremony in Amsterdam on Saturday, former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick described police killings of African Americans and Latinos in the U.S. as “lawful lynchings.”
Kaepernick was introduced by former San Francisco 49ers teammate Eric Reid and honored for his peaceful protesting of racial injustice during the national anthem in 2016, which sparked a movement in 2017 and likely has kept him jobless ever since.
“Racialized oppression and dehumanization is woven into the very fabric of our nation,” Kaepernick said in his speech. “The effects of which can be seen in the lawful lynching of black and brown people by the police, and the mass incarceration of black and brown lives in the prison industrial complex.
“How can you stand for the national anthem of a nation that preaches and propagates, ‘freedom and justice for all,’ that is so unjust to so many of the people living there?”
Previous recipients of the award Kaepernick won include anti-Apartheid campaigner and South African President Nelson Mandela and Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani schoolgirl who campaigned for girls’ right to education even after surviving being shot by Taliban militants.
“In truth, this is an award that I share with all of the countless people throughout the world combating the human rights violations of police officers, and their uses of oppressive and excessive force,” Kaepernick said in the speech.
Click on THIS USA Today link for more details and photos.
FUNNY HOW A CAR STOP CAN RUIN A LAWMAKER’S POLITICAL CAREER
We have two examples of how people who are elected to make laws and create regulations can lose their jobs over something as simple as a car stop. In this first case, the stop was sparked by nothing more than front-side tinted windows and a Nevada license plate with a dealer-installed chrome bracket that proclaimed:”Henderson – I am a VIP at Findlay Toyota,” which partially covered the name of the state. Obscuring even part of a license plate can lead to a ticket in New Jersey. The cops were waiting for a tow when the mother of a female passenger in the car shows up. She is a Democratic lobbyist and a commissioner of the New York and New Jersey Port Authority. THIS short version of the video takes it from there…
WAIT, this gets better. Click HERE and watch police dash cam footage of the full confrontation with the mother from her arrival on the scene to her dropping an F bomb on the officer. The footage was released by the Police Chief, and it led to the resignation of the Democratic Port Commissioner.
You can also click HERE for the full details of this incident.
• • • • •
In this second case, a Democratic New York legislator has an epic meltdown when she is pulled over for speeding. When we say epic, we mean EPIC. There are moments when it sounds like she is giving birth to triplets. Watch THIS. (2;05)
It may or may not surprise you to learn that this Democratic lawmaker is now unemployed. Click HERE for the details,
STORIES OF THE WEEK
What children know about Angels:
From the Archives
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. –Gregory, 5
Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. –Olive, 9
It’s not easy to become an angel. First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. –Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. –Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science. –Henry, 8
Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. –Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. –Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado. –Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. –Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter. –Jared , 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it. –Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. –Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. –Vicki, 8
What I don’t get about angels is why when someone is in love they shoot arrows at them. –Tommy, 8
• • • • •
Shopping with a Toddler
From the Archives
An old man was grocery shopping with his little grandson. The toddler was crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs. As the elderly gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice…”We are almost done Albert. Try not to cry, Albert. Life will get better, Albert.”
As the grandfather approached the checkout stand, he carefully brushed the tears from his grandson’s eyes and said again, “Try not to cry, Albert. We will be home soon, Albert.”
As the old man was paying the cashier for the groceries, the toddler continued to scream. A young woman in line behind him said, “Sir, I think it is wonderful how sweet you are to little Albert.”
The old man blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, “My grandson’s name is John. I’m Albert.”
• • • • •
From the Archives
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
“Excuse me,” he said,”I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
Feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, the young lady said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea,” he replied, “but every time I talk to a woman with a face and body like yours, she always seems to appear out of nowhere.”
• • • • •
The secret to a long life?
From the Archives
So I’m walking up First St. in San Jose when I pass a lady sitting in a doorway. She was such a colorful figure that I grabbed my cell phone to take a photo while I said, “You look really happy. What is your secret for a long, happy life.”
She replied, “I smoke ten stogies a day, and before I go to bed I smoke a big fat joint. I’ve eaten junk food all my life and I put away a fifth of Jack Daniels every few days. On weekends I pop pills, and I never exercise.”
“Absolutely amazing,” I said. “How old are you?”
• • • • •
Must be Crab Season?
From the Archives
This final story of the week is for aficionados of dark humor. (Don’t say you weren’t warned.)
The day after her husband disappeared in a kayaking accident in Boston, a woman answered her door to find two grim-faced policemen.
“We’re sorry to disturb you ma’am, but we have some information about your husband,” said one policeman.
“Tell me,” shouted the wife, “Did you find him?”
The policemen looked at each other, then one said, “Well, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, the ashen wife said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The policeman looked at the wife and said, “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but this morning we found your husband’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed the wife. Swallowing hard, she asked, “What’s the good news?”
The policeman continued, “Well, when we pulled him up, he had 10 five-pound snow crabs clinging to him.”
Stunned, the wife demanded, “If that’s the good news, what could possibly be the great news?”
The policeman said, “We’re going to pull him up again tomorrow.”
THE BEST OF THE LATE NITE JOKES
April 17 — 23
April 17: There’s talk of legalizing marijuana in Utah. However, Mormons are worried that marijuana may be a gateway drug to coffee.
It was reported today that President Trump has been pushing for women’s health programs that are based on abstinence. Trump said, “It was actually my wife’s idea…”
This morning, Twitter went down for almost an hour. As a result, President Trump was forced to open a window and start yelling at people on the street.
An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe page so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. So far, most of his donations have been provided by the Make-a-Sad-Wish Foundation.
Earlier today, former porn star Stormy Daniels appeared on “The View.” Stormy said, “This is weird, I’m not used to being watched by millions of women.”
The Louisiana State Senate has passed a ban on sex with animals by a vote of 25-10. The exact vote was 25 neighs to 10 moos.
April 18: SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A.
Republicans in Congress are urging the FBI to launch an investigation into Hillary Clinton. Man, Hillary Clinton – what did she do over two years ago NOW?
Once again, President Trump has referred to Mar-a-Lago as “the Southern White House.” Of course, when Trump refers to the actual White House, he refers to it as “the Western Kremlin.”
President Trump tweeted that the sketch of the man Stormy Daniels accused of threatening her life is “fake.” Trump said, “It looks nothing like me.”
In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his.
April 19: President Trump’s new nominee to head NASA is a Republican congressman with no science background. Or as that’s called in the Trump administration, “overqualified.”
Thanks to a rule change, babies are now allowed on the U.S. Senate floor. In the spirit of the new rules, today in the Senate, Orrin Hatch had his diaper changed.
Camping at Coachella has been delayed this weekend because of high winds. Then someone realized they just forgot to turn off Beyoncé’s wind machine.
This weekend is the 80th birthday of Superman. Now that he’s 80, Superman is rendered helpless by Kryptonite and his email password.
Negotiations to buy the company that makes Adderall ended today without a deal. Meanwhile, talks to buy the maker of Cialis lasted over four hours so they had to call a doctor.
April 23: According to James Comey’s memos, over dinner President Trump vigorously denied that he spent a night in Moscow during the 2013 Miss Universe pageant. Which is weird because all Comey asked him was, “Can you pass the salt?”
A video of former President Obama making Melania Trump smile has gone viral. It’s historic — the first time a president has brought joy to Melania.
Thanks to the royal baby, today was the first time in a long time that the breaking news wasn’t about Donald Trump. Which is weird, ’cause usually #royalbaby is about Donald Trump.
Today in the Bill Cosby trial, the defense rested. And for once, Cosby had nothing to do with it.
President Trump tweeted that he may pardon someone because Sylvester Stallone asked him to. The pardon is for the guy who wrote “Rocky V.”
April 17: I know we’re having fun tonight, but I hope you got your taxes done because if you didn’t, you’re going to jail like Wesley Snipes.
Today was Tax Day. We got an extra three days to file this year. We had an extra two days, but thanks to a big problem today with the IRS website, we got another extra day. Those who waited until the last minute to file online got this message, for real: “Planned Outage: April 17, 2018, to December 31, 9999.” Which I think means we don’t have to pay taxes for 8,000 years.
I don’t file my taxes electronically. I do it the old-fashioned way — I tape them to the leg of a raven, then I free it, like on “Game of Thrones.”
The big news today was the highly anticipated release of former FBI director James Comey’s book, in which he paints an unflattering portrait of his former boss. The president is said to be furious about this book because it combines the two things he hates most — criticism and reading.
The book came out today and already it’s the No. 1 seller on Amazon. At local bookstores, kids were lined up dressed as their favorite characters from the Mueller investigation.
April 19: This is a bittersweet night as we say goodbye to “Scandal,” which wrapped up its seventh and final season tonight. “Scandal” premiered in 2012, back when the idea that a president would need a crisis manager seemed fantastic. That is obviously not the case anymore. Trump getting elected while you’re writing a fictional show about the White House really isn’t fair — it’s like what would happen to “Game of Thrones” if they suddenly discovered that there ARE dragons flying around.
This is the first time a TV show ended because the world jumped the shark instead of the other way around.
The bigliest concern for Team Trump, the story reportedly driving him to the edge, is whether or not his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is going to flip on him. Cohen has been under federal investigation for months and many of Trump’s closest friends and advisers are worried that he’ll make a deal to tell federal prosecutors everything he knows. One of the president’s former lawyers told Trump that on a scale of 1 to 100, where 100 represents full protection of the president, Cohen isn’t even at a 1.
Michael Cohen once said he would take a bullet for Donald Trump. Robert Mueller was like, “Oh, great, stand right there, you want a cigarette or anything?”
Trump confidants are openly concerned Cohen might flip. I think that alone is interesting. If he’s not guilty of anything, why does it matter if he flips? Flip away. Flip like an acrobat.
Here’s the thing, almost no one ultimately turns out to be loyal to Donald Trump, because Donald Trump isn’t loyal to them. He cheats in business, he cheats at golf, cheats in marriage, definitely cheats on his taxes, that’s why we haven’t seen them. He throws everybody that works for him under the bus eventually. Loyalty to Donald Trump means “you scratch my back, and then we’re done.”
April 17: Today is Tax Day, and hopefully, I’m not the first person telling you that. You’ve still got 20 minutes to make it down to Mexico!
Of course, Stormy Daniels did her taxes. And I thought this was interesting — she listed her hush money from Donald Trump under “gross income.” I’m just kidding. But she did list sleeping with Trump as a “charitable donation.”
Tax Day is tricky for President Trump. Under “filing status,” he crossed out “married” and wrote “it’s complicated.”
In honor of Tax Day, Hardee’s offered free breakfast biscuits if you said the password “Made From Scratch.” Arby’s had a similar deal. They gave you a free roast beef sandwich with the password “Made From Squirrel.”
Yesterday President Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, known for paying hush money for his clients, revealed that he has ANOTHER client, Sean Hannity. Today, Hannity said, “I know you’re all stunned.” Then everyone was like, “Not really!”
Hannity’s been going on TV to defend President Trump without revealing that he and Trump have the same lawyer. Which is like Dora the Explorer going on TV to defend backpacks, without revealing that her best friend is a talking backpack.
Twitter went down today in parts of the U.S. So between that and people deleting Facebook, MySpace was like, “We’re back, baby!”
An official in Japan was arrested yesterday for taking out his garbage in the nude. Wow, when that guy takes out his junk – he really takes out ALL of his junk.
April 18: The tax deadline was extended by 24 hours yesterday. So, if you haven’t done your taxes yet, well, you’re too late AGAIN.
Letitia Wright is on the show tonight! She played a gadget expert in “Black Panther.” It’s nice to meet a tech genius who didn’t spend the last two weeks testifying in Congress.
This week, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has been staying at Mar-a-Lago with Trump, and Trump said he wanted to “sneak out” and play golf with him. While Abe says he just wanted to “sneak out.”
But they did play golf this morning. Abe said playing with Trump was kind of weird. Every time Trump got it in the hole, he’d have his lawyer send it hush money.
Last night Trump and Melania had dinner with Abe and his wife. There was an awkward moment when Trump kept yelling at the waiter, “This sushi is raw! Send it back!”
April 19: Guys, it’s almost 4.20. That’s right, it’s 4.20 eve. It’s that special time of year when stoners spend the entire night waiting for Seth Rogen to come down the chimney. It’s a beautiful, beautiful night.
Today, President Trump went to Key West for a briefing. At first, Trump was confused because he thought Key West was the guy married to Kim Kardashian.
I read that Trump’s meeting with Kim Jong Un could take place in Sweden or Switzerland. Apparently, it all depends on whether Trump is in the mood for meatballs or cheese.
Next week Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House for the second time. This is so historic. It’s the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000.
Earlier today Trump found out that he made Time magazine’s list of most influential people. The editors said the annoying part was reading all the letters of recommendation he wrote for himself. [Trump impersonation] “Trump is bigly influential — and fruitful.”
I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th season. I think they’re starting to run out of locations. They just announced that next season is being held at a Costco on a Saturday.
Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight. She is the star of “Westworld,” the show about robots that look identical to humans, and cause major chaos. Or as it’s also known, Facebook.
A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That’s when you know something’s wrong, when it’s easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser.
April 23: Today, Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed their third child, a baby boy. Right now, the top three name predictions are Arthur, Albert and James. Followed by Ronnie, Pauly D, and The Situation.
Actually, a lot of people were betting on the name of the new royal baby. And those people have a name too — they’re called gambling addicts.
French President Emmanuel Macron is visiting Trump in Washington. They planted a tree together. Out of habit, after they dug the hole, Trump threw in his tax returns.
Trump is hosting Emmanuel Macron. Trump loves Macron because when he speaks English, Trump closes his eyes and pretends it’s the candlestick from “Beauty and the Beast.”
Over the weekend Trump tweeted about James Comey and Robert Mueller but he misspelled the words “counsel” and “shady.” Trump doesn’t know the red underline means spell check — he thinks it’s his phone telling him that it loves that part of the tweet.
At this weekend’s London marathon, a man proposed to his girlfriend while dressed as a T. Rex — which backfired when his arms were too short to open the ring box.
Some Gmail users have been getting spam messages from themselves. Which got really confusing for the one guy who actually IS a Nigerian prince. He’s like, “Wait, what?”
A man who was bitten by a shark, a bear, and a rattlesnake in less than four years and survived. The man thanked God he’s still alive, while God said, “What do I have to do to nail this guy? I mean, come on.”
April 23: French President Emanuel Macron traveled to the White House today for President Trump’s first-ever state visit. Unfortunately, Trump thinks a state visit is when someone visits you and you show them all the states you won.
According to CNN, President Trump and first lady Melania will gift French President Macron and his wife a photo album upon their departure. Said Melania, “Hey, I’m just happy to get rid of it. Do whatever you want with it.”
Sources recently told Axios that during a phone call last year, President Trump asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if he actually cares about peace, followed by, “Yeah, totally, me too, I was just checking.”
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said today that President Trump has no intention of firing special counsel Robert Mueller. Instead, Trump’s plan is to be so guilty of so many things that Mueller just works himself to death.
Two Republican Colorado lawmakers have introduced a bill that would punish teachers with jail time if they go on strike. Hey, these are public schoolteachers. You can’t scare them with jail. “So wait, no kids AND there’s a place to lie down? Sign me up.”
After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear, and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you’re not allowed back at the zoo.
April 17: Today is April 17, and you know what that means. Today is Tax Day! And just now we pause to see who goes running out of the room.
Some great news for Donald Trump. Between the constant firings in the White House, the porn star scandal, and the Russia investigation, he was able to write off this entire year as a total loss.
This morning on Twitter, President Trump celebrated by bragging about his new tax bill. He tweeted, “So many people are seeing the benefits of the tax cut bill. Everyone is talking, really nice to see!” You know what would be really nice to see? YOUR tax returns.
Meanwhile, yesterday a federal judge denied an attempt by President Trump and his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, to stop prosecutors from reviewing documents that were taken from them in an FBI raid so that they can go through them first. This is a real desperate move. That would be like asking to look through your boyfriend’s phone, and him going, “Sure, I just need to quickly delete 700 texts. And then it’s all yours. Look through it all you want.”
As you may remember, porn star Stormy Daniels claimed that a man threatened her in a parking lot back in 2011 and told her to stop talking about her affair with Donald Trump. Well, today on “The View,” she unveiled a sketch artist’s rendering of that man. We’ve got it here. Take a look. When the police saw the sketch, they were like, “Put out an APB for a white male, late 20s, very strong cheekbones, great hair, supple lips, and eyes that you can just lose yourself in.”
Trump and his lawyer must have been unhappy that the judge denied their request because, right after the hearing, [shows sketch artist’s portrait] guess who was waiting for the judge in the parking lot?
April 18: More fallout from the Stormy Daniels scandal. As you know, yesterday she released a sketch of a man she claimed threatened her about her relationship with the president. Well, this morning Donald Trump
tweeted: “A sketch years later about a nonexistent man. A total con job, playing the fake news media for fools, but they know it!” Trump calls Stormy’s claim “a total con job.” I honestly don’t know who to believe in all this — the desperate, money-hungry publicity-hound, or Stormy Daniels.
Also in the tweet, Trump retweeted a photo that showed Stormy Daniels’ husband, implying that’s who’s pictured in the sketch. Only Donald Trump would defend himself by tweeting: “This guy doesn’t even exist! Here’s a photo of him!”
Yesterday, after Ambassador Nikki Haley told the U.N. that the United States was going to level more sanctions against Russia, the White House quickly contradicted her, saying she suffered from “momentary confusion.” It’s got to hurt, being called “confused” by the Trump White House. That’s like being called hateful and mean-spirited by . . . well, by the Trump White House.
Nikki Haley was not having any of it and shot back at the White House, saying, “With all due respect, I don’t get confused.” Then she added, “Except for when I’m watching ‘Westworld.’ Then I’m totally confused. Wait, is she a robot? Is this a flashback or happening right now?”
April 19: More bad news for President Trump. Former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal, who allegedly had a relationship with Trump, just had a gag order lifted that previously prevented her from discussing the affair. Oh, I cannot wait to NOT hear the details. Her gag order may be over, but once she describes the affair, our gagging is just beginning.
At a press conference yesterday, the president said he’s optimistic about his upcoming meeting with North Korean President Kim Jong Un, but added that if the meeting isn’t going well, he’ll just get up and leave. Ah, yes. I remember when President Reagan went to the Berlin Wall, and said defiantly to the Soviet Union, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall — or, I can just leave, whichever is easier. Whatever you want to do. ”
He says if it’s not going well he’s just going to get up and leave — which is also Trump’s philosophy on marriage.
You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine’s just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits.
He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning’s 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m.
I’m not saying he drank it all, but he did start his last sermon with, “Peace be with you. And you. And you, man, I love you so much. In fact, you know, peace be with all of you! Anyone want to go to Waffle House?”
Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you’ve got to assemble the robots.
It’s amazing how advanced and human-like they are. The robots were even able to assemble the chair while drinking a Coors Light and yelling at their kids.
And this is nice, they’re also developing a robot that will throw your Ikea furniture away when it breaks three weeks later.
A 24-year-old woman who was caught attempting to smuggle $20 million worth of cocaine out of South America said she only did it to get likes on her Instagram travel photos. According to the girl’s attorney, she’s going to plead YOLO.
Although she had a pretty bad excuse when they arrested her. When police caught her with $20 million worth of cocaine, she said, “No, you don’t understand. It’s a gift for Pope Francis.”
April 23: This weekend, family, friends, and dignitaries gathered in Houston to celebrate former first lady Barbara Bush, who passed away at 92. It was a beautiful ceremony befitting of the wonderful life that she lived. And at the gathering, there was a rare group photo featuring the Bush family, the Clintons, the Obamas, and Melania Trump. The photographer was like, “Now, everyone smile and say, ‘He’s not coming!'”
President Trump did not attend the funeral. The White House said they didn’t want him to be a distraction. Only Donald Trump could make people say, “I’m glad he’s not at this funeral. He’d ruin the mood.”
This morning, Kate Middleton, the duchess of Cambridge, gave birth to her third child, a baby boy. The boy is now fifth in line to the British throne, right behind Harry Styles. But ahead of me, which is annoying.
This is Kate’s third child in just five years. When she heard that, Meghan Markle was like, “We’re not all expected to do that, are we?”
According to a new report, Amazon is working on a robot that follows its owner around the house. It’s basically an Alexa on wheels. This is going to be a hot item. Here’s how you get one: You leave your Alexa and your Roomba alone in a bedroom and let nature take its course.
I mean, did we need this? Is this something we asked for? Did anybody really ask for this? A robot that follows you around all day? Nobody was saying, “You know, I like my Alexa, I just wish it would follow me into the bathroom and stare at me while I shower.”
A Colorado woman was given an apple on her flight home from Paris, she put it in her bag as a snack for later and forgot about it, and now she’s facing a $500 fine for not declaring it at customs. I’d be suspicious of this woman, too. I mean, who eats an apple at the airport when there’s a Cinnabon right there? It’s right there!
One single apple ended up costing her $500. That’s ridiculous. If she wanted to pay $500 for an apple, she could’ve just shopped at Whole Foods.
Flying is really getting bad. Complaining about your flight used to be like, “It was awful. The food was terrible and there was a bunch of turbulence.” Now it’s like, “My friend got dragged off the plane, I had to sit next to an emotional support donkey, and now I’m bankrupt — I got given a banana and it’s costing me $700!”
April 19: Everyone is talking about Donald Trump’s potentially epic summit with Kim Jong Un. It’s the dispute of the ill-fitting suits! The men with nukes putting up their dukes! “In this corner, weighing in at 239 pounds, ha-ha, with the terrible haircut, a man-child who had everything handed to him by his father. And in the other corner: The exact same thing! Let’s get ready to bumble!”
Trump views the North Korea crisis as his “great man” of history moment. Yes, the greatest presidents end up on our currency. Donald Trump could end up on our hush money.
The president is busy preparing for the possible summit by NOT preparing. According to one source: “He thinks, ‘Just get me in the room with the guy and I’ll figure it out.'” He’s going to wing it with a nuclear madman. It’s like your surgeon going, “We’re just going to open you up and improvise. Could I have the suggestion of an organ and a sharp object? I heard ‘pancreas’ and ‘broken bottle.’ Let’s go!”
But make no mistake, Trump’s not having a plan is all part of his plan, because a source close to the president claims that [imitates Trump] “during the war of insults between Trump and Kim last year, Trump’s tweets and ‘Little Rocket Man’ were pretty carefully calibrated.” I wonder who that source was.
Trump’s plan was that he wanted “to demonstrate that he and the U.S. were unafraid. He wanted to show dominance over Kim.” And if that doesn’t work, he’ll establish dominance by inflating his neck pouch. Yeah, yeah, it attracts the females.
There are some doubts about the president’s current attorney, Michael Cohen. Apparently, Trump and his advisers are increasingly worried that Cohen might be susceptible to cooperating with federal prosecutors. The obvious answer: Michael Cohen just pays himself $130,000 to shut up.
One Trump team lawyer says Cohen’s loyalty depends on how much prison time he’s facing: “Is he two years loyal? Is he 10 years loyal? Is he 15 years loyal?” 15 years? Michael Cohen disclosed Sean Hannity’s name in court after being asked twice. He’s not five minutes loyal!
And let’s just pause a moment to notice that they have jumped immediately to whether Michael Cohen will turn state’s evidence against the president of the United States to avoid jail time, which everybody believes is coming for at least one of these guys. The word “innocent” is nowhere in this conversation. Even justice is like “I’m blind, but I can smell fear.”
But, hey, maybe Cohen won’t flip. We’re talking about the guy who tweeted earlier this month that he will “always protect” Trump, and said in an interview, “I’m the guy who would take a bullet for the president.” Shh! Michael! Don’t give them any ideas!
Meanwhile, the women that Cohen worked so hard to keep quiet are getting out of their agreements. Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, who claims to have had a 10-month affair with Donald Trump, has just settled a lawsuit with the owner of the National Enquirer that kept her from publicly discussing the relationship. Great. Now she can finally tell us more stories about Donald Trump doing sex. Yay?
I’m sure you’ve been following the big Starbucks controversy. Which reminds me, I’ve noticed you’ve all been sitting here for a while and haven’t purchased anything.
Of course, it all started last week when two black men, Donte Robinson and Rashon Nelson, were in a Philadelphia Starbucks waiting for a friend. They didn’t order anything immediately, so they were arrested and marched out in handcuffs. That is a grievous racial injustice. And if you witness anything like this, for the love of God, don’t film it in portrait mode! Film it in landscape! You’re missing all the racism on the sides.
In response to the incident, Starbucks chairman Howard Schultz has promised changes [Schultz clip]: “I want to personally apologize for anyone who has ever felt anything other than respect and dignity in our stores. No one should be asked to leave Starbucks.” I don’t know, I can think of a few people I’d like to see kicked out. The guy watching “War for the Planet of the Apes” on his laptop without headphones. That art student who is clearly sketching you.
And to try to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future, Starbucks announced that they’ll be closing 8,000 U.S. stores on May 29 for racial-bias training. 8,000 stores — that’s almost all the locations on this block!
Now, it’s questionable whether this is going to be enough, seeing as how these stores will close for only part of the afternoon. “What do we want? Justice! When do we want it? May 29, for about three hours!”
But I think Starbucks is doing the right thing. As Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream that one day the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will sit together at the table of brotherhood on really tall stools, provided they’ve ordered something.”
April 23: The president had a busy weekend, or rather his thumbs did, because the leader of the free world tweeted 25 times. I never thought I’d say this, but he should golf more.
Trump hit on a variety of subjects, but the one that really seems to have stuck in his craw was a New York Times article called, “Michael Cohen has said he would take a bullet for Trump. Maybe not anymore.” Yeah, I don’t think he’ll take a bullet. At this point, my money is on Russian poisoning.
The Times believes Cohen might flip because, according to long-time Trump associate Roger Stone, “Donald goes out of his way to treat Cohen like garbage.” Yes, Trump treats his friends like garbage — as opposed to his wives, who go into the recycling bin.
Now, the Times says that “particularly hurtful to Mr. Cohen was the way Mr. Trump lavished approval on Corey Lewandowski in a way he never did for Mr. Cohen.” Making it the first time anyone has ever said, “I wish I was more like Corey Lewandowski.”
WEEKLY SNOPES URBAN LEGEND UPDATE
Click HERE for what’s new.
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This is another second creative recruiting ad for the police in New Zealand (we ran the first one several months ago). So how effective are these? Good question. We would bet that they result in many more inquires about the job than the ho-hum generic recruiting ads for law enforcement agencies HERE in the U.S. (2:58)
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In some ways the RCMP is ahead of its American law enforcement counterparts, at least in the way they test motorists to determine if they have been driving while HIGH on weed. (1:52)
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Curious to see what the Yosemite flood of a few weeks ago looked like? Click HERE if you are. (6:08)
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If you were a fan of the BBC’s Top Gear and have followed the exploits of James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard “The Hamster” Hammond over the first two seasons of “Grand Tour” on Amazon Prime, you will be happy to learn that Season 3 is currently being filmed and will air later this year. HERE are the details.
If you are unfamiliar with this show that replaced Top Gear, HERE is a preview of Season 2. I strongly recommend you give Grand Tour starting with Season 1 a look if you enjoyed the BBC’s version of Top Gear if you are an Amazon Prime member.
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There is no better way to describe this clip received from Don Hale than to scream, “INCOMING!” (1:54)
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If this dog near the beginning of this clip had a buck on him, the smart thing for him to do would be to find the nearest fire hydrant to relieve himself, then head to a 7-11 and buy a lottery ticket. Click HERE and check out this clip. (2:42)
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Leave it to the New York Times to compile a list of virtually everyone who President Trump has insulted since he has been in office. Said list includes San Jose’s illustrious mayor which you can see if you click HERE and scroll down near the bottom. For his part, Sam Liccardo probably feels it’s a badge of honor to be insulted by the Prez, but also feels insulted that he only received a one-line insult: “Did a terrible job.”
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“A love like no Otter” is indeed a cute and appropriate title for THIS clip about an aquarium worker in Georgia and a cute little Otter that began life in the Monterey Bay. (5:54)
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NOT your typical Hope for Paws rescue: Eldad and Loreta were summoned to South Carolina to save Hermione, a dog that had suffered for days after stepping on a Coyote trap. (16:56)
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This clip shows Eldad responding to Central California in an effort to save three pups whose MOTHER had been hit by a car. (7:22)
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Eldad, Lisa and Loreta took on the challenge of rescuing a homeless Pit Bull that had given birth to eight puppies during a massive rainstorm in L.A. They wound up naming the Mom Rainbow and her pups Thunder, Breezy, Misty, Raindrop, Flash, Bolt, Stormy and Droplet. Click HERE and and have a look at the now happy family. (12:18)
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So how does the dog in this clip received from Doug Bergtholdt know to pick the right cup? We can’t say for sure, but there is always the POSSIBILITY that the nose knows! (0:57)
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If you do not feel secure walking backyards, you may want to practice in case you find yourself in this guy’s situation. When being stalked by a Grizzly and her two young cubs, of course, it is best not to walk alone. And in that scenario, you want to ensure that you can run FASTER than your hiking partner(s). (2:21)
Have you ever walked down a trail with a bare behind?
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Biologists will say that it’s impossible for humans and apes to produce offspring, despite the fact that their DNA is nearly identical. After watching THIS clip we’re not so sure that this human isn’t part MONKEY. (2:00)
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“Wheee…” said the inebriated passenger sitting in the tail section of this A-380 filled with over 400 souls. “That was fun; let’s do it AGAIN!” (3:17)
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We don’t often hear about street magicians in China, but they do indeed exist. HERE is one that showed up on YouTube last Nov.. (3:53)
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Just once I would like to find myself inside a mall or in an outdoor setting and see people walking around with musical instruments as that would be my cue to find a comfortable place to sit or stand and wait for what’s coming next. Odds are, it will mean I will get to experience first hand a flashmob like THIS one that performed in Algemesi, Spain. Failing that, I guess a video is probably the next best thing. (5:56)
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Speaking of flashmobs, watch what HAPPENS when a little girl performs for a fellow musician in a square in Nuremberg, Germany. (6:30)
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And finally, this week’s closer takes us back to the ’50s and ’60s when gyms for keeping in shape were few and far between because they weren’t needed. The only downside to what you area about to see is it explains why so many folks from that era are in need of knee and hip replacements today. Roll over BEETHOVEN indeed. (8:34)
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Pic of the Week
THE FARSIDER SUBSCRIPTION ROSTER as of 4/26/18
Additions and changes since the last published update (alphabetical by last name):
Karen Johnson — Address change
Andrew Wong — Added
To receive the email address of anyone on the list — or to receive the roster with all of the email addresses — send your request to <email@example.com>.
Abram, Fred & Connie
Allen, Chaplain Bryan
Alvarez, Pat (Campbell)
Babineau, Dave & Cheryl
Bray, Mary Ellen
Bridgen, Betty Ruth
Brown Jr., Bill
Burroughs, (Bronson) Utta
Carr Jr., John
Carrillo, Jaci Cordes
Clark, Bill (the one who stayed)
Embry (Howsmon), Eva
Foulkes [Duchon], Louise
Gonzalez, D. (formerly D. Avila)
Guido, Jr., Jim
Guido, Sr. Jim
Hare, Caren (Carlisle)
Harnish, Mary (Craven)
Horton, Debbie (McIntyre)
Howsmon, (Jr.) Frank
Howsmon (Sr.), Frank
Hunter, Dick (via daughter Kim Mindling)
Inami, Steve & Francine
Johnson, Tom & Fran
Klein, Lou Anna
Leonard (Lintern), Lynda
Muldrow, Mark “Mo”
O’Carroll, Diane (Azzarello)
Perry (Cervantez), Martha
Rappe (Ryman), Bonnie
Reyes (Buell), Cindy
Schenini (Alvarez), Joanne
Taves, Phil & Paula
Terry, Glenn & Maggie
Vallecilla, Ernie & Peggy
Van Dyck, Lois
Williams [Durham], Lanette
Windisch Jr., Steve